In my third and fourth year at my current job, I had a target on my back. Shaun, my principal at the time, set the goal of cleaning house in the math department. From what I understand, he asked the head of the math department to create a case to not renew the contracts of some of the teachers. I was one of the three our department head chose.
After a year, the other two were gone and I was the last man standing. At the beginning of my fourth year, it was announced that the principal had found a new job in his home country of Australia and would be leaving our school mid-year in December. Whether or not I would be given another contract was still up in the air. I was on pins and needles up through late November when I was offered the contract. Even though we had a couple of weeks to decide, I signed and handed in the contract within hours of getting it in case he was somehow able to change his mind.
I believe that it was through the combination of the people who stood up for me, the hard work I put in each staying until eight or nine each night, and the luck of Shaun’s plan to leave which is why I still have my job.
At the same time, those rough years when I was working late nights coincided with the time when Lucas needed me and I should have been giving him my attention.
After a new principal came into the school, my head of department ended his crusade against me. Ever the good soldier, he no longer had a mandate to create a case to fire me. Oddly enough, when presented with a supportive environment, my teaching improved dramatically.
I have since confronted my now former head of department over this and he gave an answer along the lines of how he was just following orders and pushed the blame on my former principal. While plausible, I don’t fully buy it.
When looking back, I think what might have happened had I been more present and available for Lucas. I have made my peace with the department head, but have been harboring an intense resentment towards Shaun. While I don’t absolve myself from blame, I can’t stop thinking about how Shaun once said to me as a suggestion that my employer owed me nothing when he said, “You have to realize that the school isn’t here to serve you, you are here to serve the school.”
I used to imagine myself, years later, confronting Shaun about my perception of how his calloused attitude indirectly contributed to Lucas’s death.
When Tia was in seventh grade, a teacher noted that she could throw well and recommended that she try out for softball. Tia then went out for the pre-season training during the winter in preparation and was gutted when the same teacher who encouraged her to try out, the softball coach, cut her from the team in the spring.
I was extremely resentful of this person for years. What didn’t help was that she is a likable person with whom I developed a friendship. I wanted to mention to her about the incident, but never quite knew how to bring it up or even if I should. Still, it felt like a barrier between us.
At one point last week when preparing for the school year, one of our math department meeting agreements was to assume positive intent. A friend and fellow teacher suggested that we should assume positive intent not only with the people in our department, but with the administrators at our school when creating policies that we don’t agree with. That thought began percolating in my mind.
Later that day, I was listening to a podcast in which Amanda Knox discussed her wrongful conviction for the murder of her roommate while on study abroad in Italy in 2007. (For a refresher on the case, click here.) Amanda Knox’s conviction was overturned due to an overwhelming lack of evidence and a coerced confession in a language she barely understood.
For years, she harbored resentment towards the prosecutor in her case, who she believed acted badly. She could not get him to admit that he had been wrong. She spent years corresponding with him. In her effort to humanize herself, they discussed far-reaching topics in no way related to her case. Eventually, she was able to arrange a face to face meeting with him. She realized that if she were to ask something of him, she was relying on something outside of herself and would likely be disappointed. Instead, she spoke the following words to him, which she later read on the podcast.
“I want you to know that I am innocent. I had nothing to do with Merideth’s murder. You were wrong about me. I was treated as if I were guilty until and unless I could convince you and your colleagues of my innocence. And I failed to do that. But I am not here to convince you of my innocence. I am here to let you know that whether you’ve realized your mistake or not, I do not think you are an evil person.”
At this point in the podcast, Amanda Knox’s normally clear and steady voice began to break up, even years after speaking these words to the man largely responsible for her imprisonment.
“I want you to know that despite the fact that I am still hurt today. I am grateful for my experience in which you played an important and influential role. I am grateful because I learned things about myself that I never would have known. Both how weak and vulnerable I can be and how strong I am.”
Hearing her speak these words of resilience and growth with a shaky voice were enough to get me to break down in tears. I realized that I have been harboring resentment towards so many people for so long.
While not grateful for Lucas’s death, I am grateful for the experience that has taught me how vulnerable yet strong I can be. I needed to let go of that resentment and to assume positive intentions on the part of everyone who I believed had wronged me, both directly and indirectly.
One of the first things that I did was to take my friend aside to tell her about the resentment I have been holding onto regarding her decision to cut Tia from the softball team in seventh grade. I never felt like there was ever any ill intent on her part, but had never thought much beyond how I thought it had affected Tia. Once I assumed positive intent, the conversation became much easier to initiate.
Without getting into details, we had a fantastic conversation in which we discussed insecurities held by each of us. She shared vulnerabilities with her lack of confidence in the responsibility thrust upon her. I shared my own experiences of how some parents must have felt like I didn’t give their children the experience with math that they hoped for.
While I am entirely over that experience, having that conversation felt as if a barrier had been removed between us and I believe we are much closer as a result.
This wasn’t the last conversation and I believe was only a warm-up. There are a few others that I am preparing for. For me, the challenge is not in the conversation itself, it is in the opportunity and execution. For now, I will continue to look for opportunities to clear the air by speaking of my past resentment of decisions they made and my understanding that they were doing their best.
For me, the white whale is to sit down with Shaun to talk things through with him. In all likelihood, he has no idea I feel this way and in his mind there is no need to have a conversation. He may not have thought about me for years. Regardless of whether or not I talk with him face to face, if he reads this, I want him to know that I assume that he had positive intentions.
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Aaron, thank you for sharing something so personal with such raw honesty and vulnerability. I am glad that Amanda' story impacted you in such a positive way and you were able to have this much-needed conversation with your friend. I am sure it took a tremendous amount of courage to do so and to share the story with your readers here, and I applaud you for both.
I agree with you that we will never be grateful for the loss of our children, but there are still a lot of things that we can be grateful for on this life-long journey of grief.