Most years, I participate in a twenty-four hour bike ride called the Riverwest 24. It takes place in Milwaukee on the last weekend of July. In the twenty years since it first began, it has grown into a huge event. While it does involve cycling, it is more about the fun bonus challenges. It is essentially a twenty-four hour celebration of community.
Years ago, it used to be more cycling centered, but as it has evolved, the people who focus on doing the thirty-six or so bonus challenges tend to do the best. I used to focus on the cycling aspect, but recently, have been treating it as a means of hanging out with friends and meeting new people.
This year, I decided to be more casual about the riding aspect, but my competitive nature won out and during the last three hours, I really pushed to reach a goal that I missed by minutes, which really annoyed me.
At that point, I realized that two of my friends who were in a different category from me were in the top three places. This was a fantastic opportunity to hang out and cheer them on as they took the podium. It would have been so easy to drop my bike off at my car, slam a bottle of Gatorade, and walk back with a couple of drinks to hang out with my friends. Yet, I didn’t do it. Instead, I said goodbye for the summer, packed up, and left. The next day, when I thought about it, I regretted not sticking around for the ceremony and it bothered me for almost a whole week.
Another instance of regret comes to mind with regards to my twenty-five year college reunion. Because the event was canceled the previous year due to Covid, the weekend celebrated both the year I should have graduated and the year I actually graduated. That meant I was in a position to hang out with the people I started college with and the people I finished with. In addition, it was a rare year when I was in Milwaukee while the reunion was happening. The stars aligned and this was never going to happen again. I could have so easily signed up for the reunion, contacted my college roommates, and had some people to go with. Or, I could have just gone to see who I knew and left if I felt uncomfortable. I chose not to go and for years was frustrated with my decision.
Both of these situations have a similar theme of regret. When looking back, I ask myself, “What was I thinking?”
A much larger regret that I have faced is with not getting Lucas more help when he was in seventh grade. At that time, he asked me to take him to a counselor to get tested for ADHD. The testing was more involved than I had expected. After an initial diagnosis of borderline ADHD, the counselor wanted to do more testing. I said “no thank you” and didn’t follow up for years. I could have just scheduled a further appointment for Lucas for follow-up and taken some time out of my weekend for a legitimate concern that was important to my son.
Clearly, this regret is much larger than the first two.
The problem with all three of these examples is that I am looking at them through the mindset that I have at this moment, a time when I am well-rested, confident in myself, not feeling pressure from work, and with the benefit of hindsight.
At the end of the bicycle ride, I was exhausted from having gotten little sleep, tired and dehydrated from having ridden at a fast pace non-stop for three hours, pissed off because I missed getting checked in by less than two minutes, and overwhelmed by the crowd of people around the start/finish location where everyone was hanging out. Sure, I could have gone back to my car, rested, then gone back to my friends, but that was not obvious with my mindset at the time.
Regarding the reunion, not only was it the first time that I was back in Wisconsin in three years, it was the first time I had been back since Lucas died. I was hesitant to see and talk to people who I knew loved me and cared about me. I was broken. The thought of seeing people I hadn’t talked to in 25 years was not something I was interested in.
Around the time Lucas asked to get an ADHD diagnosis, I was feeling the pressure of not only trying to manage a new job, but I had a supervisor and principal who were actively trying to get rid of me. I was busy working on weekends and valued what little time I had to relax.
None of these are proper excuses, yet they do explain why I didn’t make the decisions that seem rational now: I wasn’t in the best state of mind at the time.
I have previously stated that “We have to trust that we made the best decision with the information that we had at the time.” After some thought, I would like to add: “We have to trust that we made the best decision with the state of mind that we had at the time.” I have found that thinking back to remember what my mental or emotional state was each time I made the various decisions in my life has been helpful in forgiving myself for not making what now seem like obvious choices.
Moving forward, these examples are useful to look back on when making future decisions. They are a lesson to stop, consider my state of mind, and then think if I need to take a few minutes to reconsider the situation. At the very least, they are an opportunity to give myself grace regarding decisions that I regret.
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Aaron, this is such a healthy perspective. "Our best" is always different on different days. One day, it may be 110%, and another, only 60%, because we have so many factors in every day that determine our best. Life can be hard and cruel, but I know that you love Lucas, always have, and that he knew that every day.
Such a helpful way to think about regret, thank you for writing this.