Activation Energy

...and resistance

Bicycle riding on the Yas Marina Formula 1 racetrack.

Coming off a week without work, I can’t help but feel that I squandered my time. I looked at the goals I had for things I wanted to accomplish with the time off and how I didn’t do a lot of what I wanted to. While this assessment is not entirely fair, there is some truth to it.

In looking at the things that I did do in my week off, I have to wonder why I feel this way. I went on two long bike rides with friends, went for a hike with a good friend, and had some friends over to play a new board game one of them recently bought. I was able to have some good, long phone calls with each of my parents, one of my brothers, my daughter, a friend from Wisconsin, and a friend who I used to work with. I listened to two of the Milwaukee Brewers NLCS games against division rivals the Chicago Cubs. Just writing that list out makes me feel better. I’d say that I had a relaxing week with some physical activity and socialization.

All of these things lifted me up. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I wasn’t doing these things, I was feeling like I should be doing more. I’ve come to realize that while I was great at being active with others, my motivation to do solo activities on my list sucked. I haven’t done any of my favorite solo activities like writing,reading, painting, researching some topics that have piqued my interest, playing some solo board games, going on bike rides along the river. This has left me with an empty feeling. I blame the lack of routine and the easy dopamine hits with easy entry. It’s so much easier to click on Netflix or go on social media. These easy wins can suck up a lot of time.

When I am on a normal workweek, I make plans that I know will be good for me even though I may not want to do them initially. When I am in a good routine, I have an easy time making and following through with plans and daily goals. I go on a bike ride with friends before work three times a week. On Saturdays I’ll often go for a longer morning ride with my riding group and maybe an afternoon ride to a riverside area with other friends to have a beer or two. I invite people to my house for board games on Monday nights, I meet friends for drinks at a local bar on Wednesday nights, and on Thursdays meet a regular group of friends for dinner at a local restaurant. Most Sundays I go to a friend’s house to play board games with him and his daughters. Some of the people I do these activities with overlap, but not necessarily all of them.

Setting up a solo board game, sitting down to write, getting on a bicycle to go on a ride, or even leaving the house takes a certain level of activation energy that I don’t seem to have these days. Ordinarily, when I have a routine involving others, I just go with my plans. When the people I ordinarily involve with my plans are not around, things have been falling apart. I’ve been lacking the will to do much else.

I’ve come to realize that so much of my positive mental health has depended on the planned activities that I have done with friends. Creating routines that involve groups has been the key to not relying on inherent activation energy.

I’ve realized that this post isn’t even related to Lucas or my grief. After four-and-a-half years, I’ve come to realize that not every low mood is about losing him. Sometimes people just feel down.

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