The Second Arrow
I recently learned about a parable from Buddhist teachings involving a second arrow. In it, Buddha describes the hurt and pain from being struck by an arrow. Then he asked his students regarding the pain from being struck by a second arrow. He went on to compare how in life we can’t always avoid the first arrow, say some form of injustice. However, if we consider the second arrow to be how we react to the first, we can control whether or not we are struck by it.
After considering that over the past month, I have come to realize that I am injured over and over by that second arrow. In some ways, I am injured by a third and fourth arrow, running through my mind some perceived injustice or embarrassing moment that happened years ago. I can still feel the indignation or the burn of regret. The situation has long passed, but physically, I can feel my heart rate increase and the blood is rush to my head as I feel the full effects of anger or shame. Whether it be a disagreement that I had with a coworker over 15 years ago or some perceived miscarriage of justice by a service department representative, I just keep taking the punishment.
I have been taking that second arrow over and over regarding every misstep I made regarding parenting Lucas. I run through every disagreement we had, every time we had a falling out. I have been much better about it than I was after he initially died, but over the past month or two, I have been angry and irritable and I don’t know why. I was reminded of how I felt the first year of mourning. Up until a few weeks ago, I felt like I had an anger inside me that I didn’t know how to get rid of.
After hearing the parable of the second arrow, I have become more conscious of when my mind is taking me on a ride in an unhealthy direction towards remembered pain or grief. Sometimes when my mind is running through some regret of mine, I think the words, “second arrow,” and that often is enough to shut down the train of thought. With the realization that it is my reaction to an event in the past, an event that I have no power to change, the spell is broken and I can feel the anger and upset subside.
I like to think of myself as someone who shrugs off things pretty easily, but when I read this post about the second arrow, it reminded me that I have some particularly bad memories that I run over and over through my mind. I wonder if I can explain it with science. Is there something in our DNA that makes us relive painful moments to keep reminding us to avoid these situations in the future? Those genes must have kept our ancestors from repeating stupid mistakes and allowed them to live and pass their genes on to us. I just want to tell my DNA that I have learned my lesson and that it doesn't need to keep reminding me. I don't need to keep suffering the same bad memories so just stop reminding me. But I think trauma gets hardwired into our memories and maybe it will never leave. Maybe we just need coping mechanisms like your second arrow reminders to consciously turn off the bad noise. I think I will try that. Thanks for sharing.
LOVED this piece of writing and I too recently encountered the "second arrow" wisdom. It's profound. So glad you shared it this morning, as I will carry this wisdom into the week. Your writing and explorations are a balm for others, Aaron. May knowing this be a balm for you.